The truth is, I haven't been to the gym since the month after I was married. Ed and I joined prior to the wedding (Complete with personal trainers!!!!....!!) in order to rid ourselves of the smuggled orphans before we jiggled down the aisle toward matrimony.This proved helpful, and I jiggled less so down the aisle than I would have without joining the gym. My personal trainer did what I paid her to- she said things like "You're gonna barf? There's the trash can- 10 more reps Jen!!!!" and "You know, you and I weigh the same- I just have muscle tone." I went to pilates class after pilates class, and loved balancing my orphansinthebutt on a tiny ball with my legs in the air, while focusing on my breathing. It was fun while it lasted.
Then we went to Maui for the honeymoon, and I swam with the turtles, and convinced myself that there couldn't be THAT many calories in macadamia nut slaw, and that all the sweating I was doing while shopping for hibiscus flower sunhats was really helping me to keep muscle tone too. After the honeymoon, I went to about one more pilates class, which actually helped to convince me I had decided to adopt every orphan hiding in my butt (marriage then the carriage, right people?) and I forfeited my final sessions with the trainer. I didn't, however, quit the gym.
I first tried to break up with the gym 6 months ago. I walked in proudly in my business attire (clearly NOT there to work out) and told the young man at the counter I wanted to quit the gym. He said "But you still have personal trainer sessions!!! Can I schedule them for you now, so you don't lose out?" I said, no (because why in the world would I want to meet with a trainer, only to have them guilt me into buying MORE sessions, which would then lead to another vicious cycle) and he then told me he would rather I "Postpone" my membership to give me a chance to think about if I really wanted to quit the gym, because what about the rockwall?!!? the cycling classes?!!? the pilates!??!?! So, because I felt like if I denied these wondrous assets of the gym I would be giving this man no reason to go on..(I could see it in the news already headlined: Gym employee commits suicide over squishy girl quitting gym with no respect for rockwall)So for 6 months, I have been "postponing" my membership, apparently "thinking it over" which has really been me saying "Can I quit now? I do weight watchers and lost more weight eating smart than working out til I barf."
So, today, I did it. I ate lunch at Taco Bell (El Fresco menu thankyouverymuch) and walked over with Ed to break up with the gym. The employees were helpful in the sense that they were kind of jerky to us squishy people. One of them was clearly a model for some company somewhere, but I held my head up tall(while sucking in my gut). The worst part was when they said they had to take my little keychain card. So, there I was, chicken fat arms flapping in the breeze, trying to wriggle my card free, and then put it on the table, and walked my orphan filled butt on out the door. It was freeing in the "free to be fat you and me" sense.
Dear Gym with the rockwall,
It was time. You knew it, I knew it. I was sweating you in a way that wasn't good. You no longer made my thighs burn in exhaustion, and I no longer made you look good. So, it's better that we end it this way. You will find another, I'm sure. Some squishy girl looking to tone up for the big day- she'll swear it's for forever- but don't believe her. She's only in it for the wedding. She has no plans to make this a "lifestyle." This squishy girl needed the freedom to spend Saturday morning going on walks with her husband, rather than cursing an elliptical and watching subtitled tvs while sweat dripped in her eyes. You never know though, your next squishy girl might be different. Good luck and good riddance.
I always wiped down my machine,
Squishy Girl
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