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I want to visit squishy girl!

That's www.squishygirl.com for those of you not brave enough to click the link!

Moving Day....

Hello internets,I have moved my bloggy blog. There were lots of boxes to pack, styrofoam peanuts to throw, and marshmallows to eat, but alas, I got it done. I'm still getting comfy in my new space, but I'm ready for visitors! I have successfully moved over each of my previous posts, however, the pictures did not make the move with me. It was too much work internets!!Just too much work! Do not worry though sweet little webs'o'mine,I will provide you with even more pictures!!!and exciting things!! on my new blog! Are you ready for this??Are you REALLY ready for this??you can now find me on....

www.squishygirl.com

That's RIGHT- I've gone all kindsa dot commy on your internet!I'm officially a dot commer now. I'll sign autographs later. Please join me though! It will be fun, I promise! and I'll make cake! That always makes a change a good one,right?

I'm the next star of a horror movie.

UGH. Just UGH people. We don't live in the big city, in a high rise building with cabs on each corner. I get that. I get that the closest thing we have to a cab is the city bus that stops at every 20 blocks to pick up ancient people who want to go "into town" for a chili dog. However, what I DON'T get is why every black widow or brown recluse spider has chosen to set up shop in my house.

INNNN. MAAAAHHHHH.HOOOUUUSSSE.!!!!!

We live on what was once farming fields.We have huge wasps that swoop down into our faces each summer and make Ed ask atleast ONCE per summer "What purpose to wasps serve?!WHY GOD???WHYYYYYY?" This year we didn't exactly keep up on the pest control. I'm not working full time so we thought- do we really NEEEED it? Guess what?

WE NEEEEEEDZ IT!!!We needz it like Anoop needs to be back on American Idol.(Anoop you were my favorite. You haz talent!)

I wasn't exactly positive of the extent to which we needed it until last night. I came home to relax in my recliner with some snacks...caramel vanilla infused super puffed marshmallows if you must know- they were on clearance at Target, and they were SEASONAL. Who doesn't love a limited-time-only snack? And God knows, any snack in my house is there for a limited time only.

So any way- me,my recliner, my marshmallows. I sit, and happen to see a HUUUUGGGEEE black spider in the door of our bathroom. I get closer- squinting my eyes in case it jumps into my eyes and bites me (don't act like that couldn't happen. I once had a grasshopper leap onto my eye that would.NOT.let.go.) and I see that it has a "violin shaped red marking on its back." Cue the hyperventilation. So I call Ed and shriek various things into the phone...that went something like "Hello Spiderkiller? Come home now. I need the spider killer. I AM NOT the spider killer!!" He told me to shove a towel under the door and close it. Do you even KNOW how hard it is to shove a towel under a door--or anywhere for that matter, with your eyes squinted almost shut, and your body breaking out into cold sweats? I had Ed's slipper in my hand for protection, but then I thought "who am I kidding, I'm going to scream if this thing even LOOKS at me- I can't try to beat it!" Also, I had visions of its legs growing longer, reaching out to attach to my arm and then eating me alive. So that kind of put a hold on any courage I was working up. Ed got home and right away he killed it.

And now- NOW do you know what I am looking at? TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER? ANOTHER huge spider crawling up my wall in the kitchen. It's on my new paint!! I can't smash a spider on my new paint! Once again I called my spider killer and he said he'd be home soon but I don't know- this thing seems to be migrating and it just might eat me before then. I just know they're going to start with my toes and I won't even be able to enjoy flip flops this summer. SO, if I'm not around to blog anymore, please know that I loved you internets, and I thought you were just swell.

Tot Fest 2009!

I have a certain friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, that is a lot like me in regards to enjoying the simple things in life. She,like myself, can find simple joy in a day spent in pajamas, a mug full of icecream, a walk through the neighborhood, and the tots. The tots?you ask. Oh yes, the tots. No, I'm not talking about babies, nor their pudgy rubberband wrists that inspire you to chew on them...that's another blog, for yet another time. I'm talking about the unbridled love for a food product that is surpassed by none,and saltier than most. The tater tot.

This friend and I have been plotting for months to have a mutual meeting of the minds and stomachs,where she and I could combine our love of a)pajamas b)icecream and c)tots. That meeting occured this last Saturday. I.Still.have.not.recovered. She said "bring the tots!!" I said to self while at the store "Self, why not have tots AND potato wedges?!" Because as you are already well aware, you can NEVER have too many potato filled salty crunchy items at a gathering. NEV-ER. So I got the tots, AND the wedges, and some macaroni salad for good measure. Why macaroni salad? I cannot tell you. It was my wild card item for this event to be sure. It sounded good. Oh and onion dip...for chips, I thought. (This applies later, you'll see.)

So I arrive at totty friend's house, with the husband in tow. Our husbands are also friends, but they believe we are certifiably crazy, so they chose to leave the tot fest. Why? I don't know. They said something about "you guys are DISGUSTING!!" and then left. Whatev. This did not slow us down, nor give us cause to pause. No-sir-ee, we were on a totterific mission I tell you, and as soon as I pulled out the wedges we both squealed with glee and began placing them on a cookie sheet to be baked.

While they baked we noshed (I really don't like the word "noshed" but I've always wanted to use it. so there-noshed. noshidy nosh noshed) on chips and dip and diet pepsi.Oh lord the pepsi. Nectar of the sodium deprived gods!!! She said something like "I FEEL IT IN MY VEINS!!!!" while I shoved another chip in my mouth. Had someone been standing outside the door listening, the authorities would have been called.

Then the glorious ding of the oven sounded, and she looked at me like a deer anticipating the painful bumper of a car, but the fun ride through the air, and we both jumped up to go to the source of said ding. The oven. Out they came, smelling delicious and looking like a hot smooshy salty fantasy. See, I haven't had the tots since I was atleast 15. I have memories of rolling them between my fingers in the cafeteria as a pudgy 10 year old, encrusting the salt underneath my nails to be savored after getting back to class. Gah, I was a gross kid. Not much has changed. She showed me (being a much more experienced Tot lover than I ) how to dip them in pepper covered ketchup. By accident, ahem, we noticed that if they rolled into the spot where the onion dip had been, it tasted..GREAT. AND, if the tot happened to saunter on over to the macaroni salad? DIVINE. So basically we had a triple dip situation going on-with every surface on our plates becoming a tot dip!oh it was glorious. But short lived? Did you know that tots can fill you up fast? All of a sudden I found myself saying things like "these tots won't go down my throat" and "gah,this plate is getting heavy, I think I've just hit a whole new level over here" and she uttered "I'm so full but I think I can get justonemore in!"

When the husbands got home they looked at us, laying back in bloated glory, visions of beauty to behold, of that I am sure.Is it wrong to be able to gross out your own husband? I don't know, but if it is, I don't want to be right. Underneath all of those "Gah you guys ATE all that?" and "I think I'm going to barf just THINKING about its" I'm pretty sure deep down they were impressed. The next morning my fingers still smelled of tots. Sweet sweet memories.

I went all presidential mental.

Ok, so Ed and I took a vacation to our nation's capital this past week, with the hopes of getting into the whitehouse, having lunch with President Obama, petting their new dog, taking him for a walk, and ending world hunger. We were not able to accomplish most of these. Ok..any of these. We ALMOST got into the whitehouse gates when one of them broke, and the Secret Service agents got a little antsy in their pantsies, which I must say was fun to watch.

I honestly thought to myself---what would happen...if I just yelled "SUCKAAAAAS!!" when the gate wouldn't close and ran through? I thought this aloud to Ed, and he thought I might get shot. To which I thought, "self, not a good idea". I DID however feed one of President Obama's pets. NO, not Bo Diddley, he's just the dog. I fed three of the president's squirrels a cookie, and they indeed promised me to do what they could to end world hunger once they got back into the whitehouse gates themselves. To which I responded "Two more cookies if you can promise to end the Iraq war NOW." They said they would see what they could do. So that was, in my opinion, a success.


Ed and I took one of those double decker tour buses while we were there. Yes, we were THOSE people. Let me say this- it was cold in DC, bordering on frigid. On the top of a double decker bus? It was antarctica, and I shared my seat with a penguin if you don't believe me. The wind was cutting and swift, and Ed and I were alarmed at just how red my nose could get at such temperatures. Still, we both said "MUST.SIT.ON.TOP.FOR.BEST.VIEW!." So sit on top we did. The best part of the double decker top deck was the dodging of random japanese cherry tree branches. It was like being whipped in the face with the executive branches of freedom! The bus had an announcement about said branches, yet people STILL went into shock and awe mode (as in AWW!That got my EYE!!)whenever one whipped them in the face. Ed would inadvertantly yell "WATCH YER EYEEEE!!" when he saw one coming at the tourists in front of us, and they did not, because they were too busy with LOOK!! A MARBLE COLUMN!! Still, it was fun to watch them get whacked, I'm not going to lie. I snickered to myself, and maybe a little bit outloud, if I'm being honest.


So, as were sitting on said tour bus, we noticed that fire trucks,police cars,ambulances and ANYTHING else that could make noise were surrounding us at every cross street. I went betweeen trying to find out what was going on, and ducking under the railing of the bus, thinking that perhaps a 12 ft monster cherry tree branch had taken over the city and was going to whip me in the face for my snickering any moment. So all of the tourists on the top are getting all antsy...they're all "What's going on?" "I need to catch the red bus!!!THE RED BUS LEAVES IN 5 MINUTES!! I wish I had bought a pretzel at the last block! These stupid buses stop for anything!!" And then Ed, being the genius that he is, throws it out there "WHAT IF ITS THE PRESIDENT?!" To which everyone went all currraaazy and got their cameras ready just in case.

So I was a bit late on the trend, and Ed turns to me and says "THE CAMERA~!~~THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I fumbled it out and Ed throws himself to the front of the bus, just in time to see the Presidential motorcade coming through. I lost my cool in these moments. I have never lurved a president as much as I lurve me some Obama, so when I saw the motorcycles, and then the black cars with the seal, I went 29 kinds of crazy. Poor Ed was trying to video tape, meanwhile, I'm screaming behind him "IT'S HIM!!!!OMG IT'S HIM!WAAAAAAAAVE!!!HE JUST HONKED!!OMG THE PRESIDENT HONKED AND WAAAAAAAAVED!!" and then it was over. Oy people. Just OY. It was the coolest thing ever. It made me want to thank those squirrels who had kindly told the president that I wanted to see him. It made me want a pretzel like the one I had the day before after the Holocaust museum (It was the size of 2 of my heads and soft as a pillow. Apparently the holocaust made me hungry. I'm just wrong like that.)It was cool.

All in all, our vacation was amazing. We ended up seeing Colin Powell speak on the front step of the Lincoln memorial.This too, had me a bit crazy. I began to wonder if maybe the government was eventually going to hunt me down, woo me with a pretzel, and send me to Guantanamo.


Couple this, with the fact that when I saw President Lincoln's top hat, I practically smooshed my nose into the glass so that I could REALLY see it. Stupid protective glass!!! That stuff was everywhere. I wanted to FEEL the real constitution- not look at it through GLASS! Granted, it would have crumbled beneath my finger tips, but apparently I'm a very sensory based tourist. Obviously, I had the thought of jumping out of my double decker bus when the president passed to chase after him and "feel the president" but again, this might not have been the smartest idea. I pictured myself again, in Guantanamo, asking for another pretzel, and a diet dr pepper if they didn't mind.

So that's that. Back home, and feeling quite lucky that I got to see the president in his car. I didn't feel him, but I am going to consult my squirrels on getting a handshake the next time I'm in town.

Jen is:staring at the carpet.

Lately I've become part of the mass of sheeple that herds themselves into Facebook day in and day out to check out my friends' status updates.I used to not care what my friends were doing every minute of the day- but now!!it's so!!!exciting!!!One of them just went to the grocery store!!!Omg- ME TOO!!! Another one just cleaned her kitchen! What the what?! I just did that today! See, there are some people that only update when it's I'mthekingoftheworld (ala Leo Dicaprio) exciting. They'll post things like "Just bought a new car!!" or "Just gave birth!" (To which my question then becomes, just WHERE is your computer at this point?) Then there's what the mass of sheeple, myself included, will do. We post things like "I'm eating pizza right now!!!" or "I'm clipping my toenails!!" or "I'm eating pizza AND clipping my toenails!!" I would never actually CALL any of my friends to give them this exciting information, but oh I will just post the heck out of it on a status update! because what if they DON'T know what I'm doing? Maybe none of us should have window coverings anymore. Isn't that the best kind of status update right there? Look!!I'm walking into my kitchen naked and balancing a bowl of cereal on my...well, just look!

I have a theory that music has something to do with it. The other day, while listening to the radio, I heard a song, that sounded more like a Twitter update than a song. It was catchy, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was considered song writing if you just talk to music. It was Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" It starts out:
I've had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush
(Start to rush by)

A dizzy twister dance
Can't find my drink or man
Where are my keys, I lost my phone

Ok, so right about where she says "Where's my keys, I lost my phone" I gave an incredibly confused look to my radio. Did she just sing that she lost her keys and can't find her phone? I've HAD that experience!!! I've DONE that!! Can I sing too? Maybe I AM A SONGWRITER!!! Ok, my song would go something like this:

Just cleaned the cat litter
where's the Scrubbing Bubbles
I need a diet pepsi
then I'll get bloated
So I'll just have water
Did you check the mail?

I think it would be a hit. Ok so THEN Lady Gaga tells us MORE about her exciting life! She goes on to say:

Wish I could shut my playboy mouth
How'd I turn my shirt inside out?
(Inside out right)

Well, I've had this experience. I HAVE put on my shirt inside out, but I was never in public, and I didn't ASK anyone how it got that way- I guess I was able to deduce that I had indeed put my shirt on inside out. And then I changed it. Would I use this as a status update? "Jen wants to know how her shirt got inside out." My friends on facebook would then post things in response such as "Hooker!"

I guess it's better if you sing it though.