HONNNK HOOOOOOONKKKKKK

Ed loves to bike ride. In fact, when we first met in college, I thought he only owned a bike. Given my past boyfriends-this was considered an upgrade!Hey, a bike! Maybe I can ride in the basket!I can carry the icecream! It was some form of transportation, so hey, it was A-OK in my book. So, he was the boy with the bike, and I memorized which bike on the rack was his, so I could appropriately stalk him each morning when I arrived on campus.Oh yes, I was totally the aggressor in our relationship. However, I digress.

So, my history with bikes is, to say the least, strained. My parents were in love with biking, and would take me biking in Lake Tahoe each summer, through mountainy trails and rugged terrain. After all, there is nothing better than camping for 3 days straight, dirt under your fingernails, grease in your hair,dusty knees...and then climbing on a mountain bike.Nothing.Better. I lived for those brief stops along the way for icecream, or picture taking...or icecream. Then one sunny afternoon on a crowded bike path, it all changed.For the worse. See,my parents insisted I get a "real" mountain bike. I chose my bike for it's most important attribute:color. It was a beeeyuutifful teal green. Yes, teal. It was 1994 people. Anyway, this bike was a "real" mountain bike, in the sense that my feet did NOT touch the ground on either side. This made it more "real." It also made it, "really hard to ride." Note that I am short, and this bike was tall.

So, on this fateful afternoon, I was riding in front of my parents in Lake Tahoe on a sunlit trail. I was admiring the forest, and appropriately honking my mini Sesame Street horn (it was a muppet's nose-I was 14, but not too old for muppets) when pesky pedestrians got in my way. Then, a butterfly happened. It happened to land on my ear. All of my love of nature flew right into the bush with me, when I promptly screamed, tried to stop (oh but wait, FEET.NOT.TOUCHING.GROUND!!)and flew right into a bush. People laughed. I walked my bike back to camp.



So, I'm very....ehhhh, I'd rather walk when it comes to bikes. But, Ed loves him some bike riding so I had to build a bridge and get over it.

So we bought a bike for me, again, chosen by color (purple!!) and size(kid sized!!!just for me!!!) and this time, I could touch my feet to the ground!! We also bought a bike seat cover with gel padding. I wanted a wider seat (read:TRACTOR SEAT) but Ed said I would look like an idiot. This didn't bother me, but apparently, it did him. So we bought the bike, and came home. All the way home, I had visions of me riding my shiny new bike,and all of the accessories I could purchase for said shiny new bike(pink flower basket anyone?. So we got home, rode around the corner, and then the pain came. Oh it came in huge amounts. I hurt in places I did not know could hurt. Oh the chafing. THE.CHAFING. We ran into neighbors, I smiled through the pain. We had to go home. I could not walk properly for the next 3 days. I swore I would throw the bike away (I'm that mature) and never ride again! My muppet horn days WERE GONE!!!

Then, this week at lunch,a coworker of mine mentioned that she bought a very wide seat for her bike(Read:TRACTOR SEAT), and now could ride for hours on end. This rekindled my dreams of flower baskets and muppet horns in a way I had not anticipated. I would get me that tractor seat, I would look like an idiot-I WOULD RIDE AGAAAAAIIIIINNNN!!! So,I bought my tractor seat, I love it like it's a brand new Chinese baby, and I rode comfortably around for over an hour. Yes, my butt looks huge on it- more than usual. BUT, I think this is the answer for wide butts and sensitive thighs the world over. I did some research on the seat, and supposedly it's great for men with prostate problems. Honestly, my prostate has never felt better.