I'm the next star of a horror movie.

UGH. Just UGH people. We don't live in the big city, in a high rise building with cabs on each corner. I get that. I get that the closest thing we have to a cab is the city bus that stops at every 20 blocks to pick up ancient people who want to go "into town" for a chili dog. However, what I DON'T get is why every black widow or brown recluse spider has chosen to set up shop in my house.

INNNN. MAAAAHHHHH.HOOOUUUSSSE.!!!!!

We live on what was once farming fields.We have huge wasps that swoop down into our faces each summer and make Ed ask atleast ONCE per summer "What purpose to wasps serve?!WHY GOD???WHYYYYYY?" This year we didn't exactly keep up on the pest control. I'm not working full time so we thought- do we really NEEEED it? Guess what?

WE NEEEEEEDZ IT!!!We needz it like Anoop needs to be back on American Idol.(Anoop you were my favorite. You haz talent!)

I wasn't exactly positive of the extent to which we needed it until last night. I came home to relax in my recliner with some snacks...caramel vanilla infused super puffed marshmallows if you must know- they were on clearance at Target, and they were SEASONAL. Who doesn't love a limited-time-only snack? And God knows, any snack in my house is there for a limited time only.

So any way- me,my recliner, my marshmallows. I sit, and happen to see a HUUUUGGGEEE black spider in the door of our bathroom. I get closer- squinting my eyes in case it jumps into my eyes and bites me (don't act like that couldn't happen. I once had a grasshopper leap onto my eye that would.NOT.let.go.) and I see that it has a "violin shaped red marking on its back." Cue the hyperventilation. So I call Ed and shriek various things into the phone...that went something like "Hello Spiderkiller? Come home now. I need the spider killer. I AM NOT the spider killer!!" He told me to shove a towel under the door and close it. Do you even KNOW how hard it is to shove a towel under a door--or anywhere for that matter, with your eyes squinted almost shut, and your body breaking out into cold sweats? I had Ed's slipper in my hand for protection, but then I thought "who am I kidding, I'm going to scream if this thing even LOOKS at me- I can't try to beat it!" Also, I had visions of its legs growing longer, reaching out to attach to my arm and then eating me alive. So that kind of put a hold on any courage I was working up. Ed got home and right away he killed it.

And now- NOW do you know what I am looking at? TWENTY FOUR HOURS LATER? ANOTHER huge spider crawling up my wall in the kitchen. It's on my new paint!! I can't smash a spider on my new paint! Once again I called my spider killer and he said he'd be home soon but I don't know- this thing seems to be migrating and it just might eat me before then. I just know they're going to start with my toes and I won't even be able to enjoy flip flops this summer. SO, if I'm not around to blog anymore, please know that I loved you internets, and I thought you were just swell.